They were loved

At 2 months old weighing 6 pounds she came with just a phone call and a few hours to prepare. Rushing out to buy a bassinet, clothes, bottles, burp clothes, pampers. So excited just to hold her. She was smothered in kisses & hugs.  She grew so fast. learned to smile, laugh, sit and eat with us at the table. Batting at her toys. Singing "Row your boat" to her as I gave her breathing treatments, crying with her when she got her immunizations. Rushing her to the hospital when she got sick. I remember her funny face when she got her first taste of baby food, her sweet smile when I called her "sugar bear!"I loved her. She wasn't mine, but I LOVED Her so much.

At 2 1/2 yrs old. Such a happy child. Independent, finding the world a wondrous place, squealing with excitement. She loved to twirl when I put music on, enjoyed our outside time with just us girls. Learned about her baby sister she never knew she had. Bonded and was protective over her.  Her favorite word was co'me. (eat in Spanish). She would say "Co'me Moma, Com'e! She loved mealtime. She learned to say please and thank you and learned how to sit at a resteraunt. Saturday morning bean and egg tacos were her favorite. So appreciative. I'd tell her mommy has a surprise. We go in her room, I'd show her each items of clothing I took out of the bag. She'd put both hands on her cheeks so excited. We'd try it on her and she would twirl. Such a girly girl. Bows in her hair every morning. She was so joyful. I loved her so.

 They won't know me, but I know them. I loved them. We loved them. I will always hold them in my heart. I will never forget holding them, loving them, watching them grow. I was part of that. Giving them a healthy start to who they will become. I pray blessing bestowed before them all the days of their lives.

Just a tribute to them as I move forward in the process to do this again. All children deserve to be loved.

Wedding photography

I was asked to be the photographer for a friends wedding. I was honored to do this. It gave me the the practice and confidence to move forward in a hobby I have always wanted to pursue.

Have to move past this

Just need to write. So many feelings. Have to get this out and be done with it.

My heart can't help whom it loves. I did love him. I miss him sometimes too. The good parts. This morning it was cold. Memories of the cold days flooded in. Beautiful snow in the early years. jumping in our clothes and running outside to take in the winter air. Bella boo so excited because we were. The excitement we both had. Feeling good together. Saturday morning breakfast, flea markets, walks in the park, snuggle buggling after a day out. Every once in a blue moon he'd bring me flowers. It made me so happy. 

But when I look back those good memories did not define our marriage. Struggle heart ache, disappointment, deep sadness,feelings of worthlessness, his anger, his rage, his hate, my misery. I realize now that I learned to live in constant state of panic never knowing what the day would hold. What would set him off that day. The crazy chaos, the yelling, the dis function, the control, my anxiety, the adrenaline helping me get through each day.

This was my reality. Only existing to get through the day.

Recently he finally took responsibility for all these bad things he did. Peace filled my soul as I heard him in detail describe the things he did to me. And he felt bad. It was healing to hear that he acknowledged it. He not only apologized but had remorse. Genuine regret for what he had done. To Me. Showing me he remembers, realizes how horrible it was for me. I didn't deserve it... I was good to him, I forgave him, I showed mercy, I tryed to help him, help us. I showed Gods love

I persevered thru it all. I loved him.

He told me many many many times he was sorry, he would change. He loved me. He would try.... For a while. Short spurts of happiness. But always ended up back at square one. Always saying ,he wants to live the peaceful life. but chaos and anger and discontentment are his friends.they follow him where ever he goes. I HAD to get off the "crazy train." Like a hamster running around in circles exerting so much energy and getting nowhere. I had to get off. So I just jumped . Into the darkness. The unknown. Knowing there would be pain as I hit the pavement running. Running for my life.

I don't hate him.  I care for him deeply.  I wish him the best. I pray he finds what he is looking for. It's just not me. This chapter is over and I don't wish to keep re-reading it. I need to move forward to write the next chapter. Please God, please. Bless him. And help me move past this.

Tomorrow

I don't know about tomorrow; I just live from day to day. I don't borrow from it's sunshine For it's skies may turn to grey. I don't worry o'er the future, For I know what Jesus said. And today I'll walk beside Him, For He knows what is ahead.  Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand But I know who holds tomorrow And I know who holds my hand.

Hopes and dreams

The January blues have passed. The heaviness has lifted. its a new year and possibilities are endless. Since I made the decision over a year ago to leave my life and start a new, I was afraid of the unknown. My dependence was solely on God. I had to trust him for each step. God provided for every need. He has been with me every step of the way. I have much to be thankful for. But I don't want to lose that dependence on God. I Will follow him where he leads. His hopes and dreams for me are far better than any I could dream myself.

Standing Still

Feel as if I'm standing still. Do you ever feel like the world is passing by and you are a spectator? Since the new year started, as the days pass by I don't feel I am in it. I am waking, working , and moving forward, but feel a sense of detachment. Am I here?

Changes

The other day I ran into someone who asked " where is your clan? Pretty innocent enough. But how do you answer..." I no longer have a clan anymore, it's just me." Without feeling some type of pain and emptiness.

It is almost a year now and life is completely different then the life I lived back then. Bitter sweet. I don't regret it, but I still do experience a sense of loss and pain. The emotions that came with the experience are still raw. As much as I want my life to be beautiful, "Pain" is just part of the journey to get there. All I can do is take one day at a time.

Enjoy the Ride

As a child, diaries were all the rave. Keeping my secret crushes, my hopes and dreams under lock and key. As an adult I have a New Year tradition.  At the beginning  of each new year I purchase what I call a "grateful journal".

Through out the year I focus on the good. With all of life's turns and twists,I  have to be conscious of the blessings. There is so much to be thankful for. To look back at any given year - I am amazed at all the great things that occurred that year. We can all look back and remember. - that was a tough year - But it's all the "Little ,Amazing" things that can remind us to Enjoy the Ride. Life is Amazing. Take note.

A New Year

How will I choose to show up in 2014

The past year held a lot of difficult choices for me. Lifestyle Changes, healing of my heart and the renewal of my  soul took place. The past is now behind me. The present is set before me. My future  lies ahead of me. 

Though I dont know what this new year holds, I trust Gods plan. Holding onto his truth.

I will choose to live with courage. I will show up in faith everyday, moving forward. Fulfilling my God given purpose for my life. I will show up with joy. I will show up with peace. I will show up with love :)