They were loved

At 2 months old weighing 6 pounds she came with just a phone call and a few hours to prepare. Rushing out to buy a bassinet, clothes, bottles, burp clothes, pampers. So excited just to hold her. She was smothered in kisses & hugs.  She grew so fast. learned to smile, laugh, sit and eat with us at the table. Batting at her toys. Singing "Row your boat" to her as I gave her breathing treatments, crying with her when she got her immunizations. Rushing her to the hospital when she got sick. I remember her funny face when she got her first taste of baby food, her sweet smile when I called her "sugar bear!"I loved her. She wasn't mine, but I LOVED Her so much.

At 2 1/2 yrs old. Such a happy child. Independent, finding the world a wondrous place, squealing with excitement. She loved to twirl when I put music on, enjoyed our outside time with just us girls. Learned about her baby sister she never knew she had. Bonded and was protective over her.  Her favorite word was co'me. (eat in Spanish). She would say "Co'me Moma, Com'e! She loved mealtime. She learned to say please and thank you and learned how to sit at a resteraunt. Saturday morning bean and egg tacos were her favorite. So appreciative. I'd tell her mommy has a surprise. We go in her room, I'd show her each items of clothing I took out of the bag. She'd put both hands on her cheeks so excited. We'd try it on her and she would twirl. Such a girly girl. Bows in her hair every morning. She was so joyful. I loved her so.

 They won't know me, but I know them. I loved them. We loved them. I will always hold them in my heart. I will never forget holding them, loving them, watching them grow. I was part of that. Giving them a healthy start to who they will become. I pray blessing bestowed before them all the days of their lives.

Just a tribute to them as I move forward in the process to do this again. All children deserve to be loved.

Wedding photography

I was asked to be the photographer for a friends wedding. I was honored to do this. It gave me the the practice and confidence to move forward in a hobby I have always wanted to pursue.

Have to move past this

Just need to write. So many feelings. Have to get this out and be done with it.

My heart can't help whom it loves. I did love him. I miss him sometimes too. The good parts. This morning it was cold. Memories of the cold days flooded in. Beautiful snow in the early years. jumping in our clothes and running outside to take in the winter air. Bella boo so excited because we were. The excitement we both had. Feeling good together. Saturday morning breakfast, flea markets, walks in the park, snuggle buggling after a day out. Every once in a blue moon he'd bring me flowers. It made me so happy. 

But when I look back those good memories did not define our marriage. Struggle heart ache, disappointment, deep sadness,feelings of worthlessness, his anger, his rage, his hate, my misery. I realize now that I learned to live in constant state of panic never knowing what the day would hold. What would set him off that day. The crazy chaos, the yelling, the dis function, the control, my anxiety, the adrenaline helping me get through each day.

This was my reality. Only existing to get through the day.

Recently he finally took responsibility for all these bad things he did. Peace filled my soul as I heard him in detail describe the things he did to me. And he felt bad. It was healing to hear that he acknowledged it. He not only apologized but had remorse. Genuine regret for what he had done. To Me. Showing me he remembers, realizes how horrible it was for me. I didn't deserve it... I was good to him, I forgave him, I showed mercy, I tryed to help him, help us. I showed Gods love

I persevered thru it all. I loved him.

He told me many many many times he was sorry, he would change. He loved me. He would try.... For a while. Short spurts of happiness. But always ended up back at square one. Always saying ,he wants to live the peaceful life. but chaos and anger and discontentment are his friends.they follow him where ever he goes. I HAD to get off the "crazy train." Like a hamster running around in circles exerting so much energy and getting nowhere. I had to get off. So I just jumped . Into the darkness. The unknown. Knowing there would be pain as I hit the pavement running. Running for my life.

I don't hate him.  I care for him deeply.  I wish him the best. I pray he finds what he is looking for. It's just not me. This chapter is over and I don't wish to keep re-reading it. I need to move forward to write the next chapter. Please God, please. Bless him. And help me move past this.

Tomorrow

I don't know about tomorrow; I just live from day to day. I don't borrow from it's sunshine For it's skies may turn to grey. I don't worry o'er the future, For I know what Jesus said. And today I'll walk beside Him, For He knows what is ahead.  Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand But I know who holds tomorrow And I know who holds my hand.

Hopes and dreams

The January blues have passed. The heaviness has lifted. its a new year and possibilities are endless. Since I made the decision over a year ago to leave my life and start a new, I was afraid of the unknown. My dependence was solely on God. I had to trust him for each step. God provided for every need. He has been with me every step of the way. I have much to be thankful for. But I don't want to lose that dependence on God. I Will follow him where he leads. His hopes and dreams for me are far better than any I could dream myself.

Standing Still

Feel as if I'm standing still. Do you ever feel like the world is passing by and you are a spectator? Since the new year started, as the days pass by I don't feel I am in it. I am waking, working , and moving forward, but feel a sense of detachment. Am I here?

Changes

The other day I ran into someone who asked " where is your clan? Pretty innocent enough. But how do you answer..." I no longer have a clan anymore, it's just me." Without feeling some type of pain and emptiness.

It is almost a year now and life is completely different then the life I lived back then. Bitter sweet. I don't regret it, but I still do experience a sense of loss and pain. The emotions that came with the experience are still raw. As much as I want my life to be beautiful, "Pain" is just part of the journey to get there. All I can do is take one day at a time.

Enjoy the Ride

As a child, diaries were all the rave. Keeping my secret crushes, my hopes and dreams under lock and key. As an adult I have a New Year tradition.  At the beginning  of each new year I purchase what I call a "grateful journal".

Through out the year I focus on the good. With all of life's turns and twists,I  have to be conscious of the blessings. There is so much to be thankful for. To look back at any given year - I am amazed at all the great things that occurred that year. We can all look back and remember. - that was a tough year - But it's all the "Little ,Amazing" things that can remind us to Enjoy the Ride. Life is Amazing. Take note.

A New Year

How will I choose to show up in 2014

The past year held a lot of difficult choices for me. Lifestyle Changes, healing of my heart and the renewal of my  soul took place. The past is now behind me. The present is set before me. My future  lies ahead of me. 

Though I dont know what this new year holds, I trust Gods plan. Holding onto his truth.

I will choose to live with courage. I will show up in faith everyday, moving forward. Fulfilling my God given purpose for my life. I will show up with joy. I will show up with peace. I will show up with love :)

                                   

Merry Christmas

          Blessings to all this Christmas Eve. 

Savor the simple

I must take time to savor the simple things of this season. Though it is easy to get caught up in the shopping, rushing around preparing, I stop to savor. My eyes take in the beauty of the season - the twinkle lights, the trees, the ornaments. I sit peacefully with only the lights on my tree savoring the quite as i write. tonight I went to th river walk. It was magical. The way the strung lights hung on the trees. The cold night on my face, the warmth of my knit scarf . I am so truly thankful for the simple things. I don't want to take any of it for granted. The season is peace. The season is joy. Savor the simple.

Time Flies

Time flies by so fast. As the year is coming to an end, it makes me look back at the past year in reflection.

Did I achieve my goals? Am I closer to my dreams? Am I a better person?

I don't want to waste a minute. Life is too precious. I want to live with courage,improve with age, live in the now.

Christmas Tree Farm

As I was enjoying the hillside scenery on the way back to the office, this christmas tree  farm caught my eye. So lovely in the wide open space. Had to stop. The man proceeded to describe each tree and where they were from. Oregon. The smell  of pine filled my senses. The placement of each tree and the twinkle lights , so appealing. I didn't have the heart to tell him I was only there for a visual treat. I asked to take pictures. He did have fresh vegetables, so naturally I felt it was an even trade. A purchase for beauty before my eyes. Some people may of passed this by. Beauty compels me.

She Loves Christmas

                       

     

                         She Loves Christmas 

                                     She Loves Snow

       

          She Loves hot chocolate on a cold winter day :)

Free

I think my mantra for 2013 was to "Set myself free." Physically , emotionally &mentally. That was the goal.

 In the past, I had felt like a caged bird with a bruised heart and a broken wing. Oh how I longed to be set free. Not necessarily free of a marriage but more that I could be me again.                 Happy.Valued. Loved.

Now- I am happy to be me. I feel valued as a person and I am loved for who I am.

 Today I am soaring in the sky with the wind beneath my wings. I am truly free.

Fearless

Fear creeps in at times, paralyzing me from pushing forward. I must live without fear.  I know that God has my back - So ... I take a deep breath, close my eyes and move forward in faith, fearlessly.

Do  not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand

Isaiah 41:10

Thankful, Grateful, Blessed

Hello Winter

If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard - 

               

Winter is a magical season. It's as if I've awaken from a long summer slumber.

             Tis the season to be aware of the tiny magic everywhere. -

Where I am

               I did not plan to be where I am. nor will I always be here. 

                 God has a plan for my life .I find comfort in knowing 

                              -  I am exactly where I need to be.

Along the path I journey on

Along the path I journey on. . . . I will stop and smell the flowers. I will see the beauty in each day. I will look for the good in every person. I will come home from a long day and smile because I have a place of solace to lay my head in. I will try new paths to marvel at. I will follow my heart and pursue  my dreams. I will spread the love I hold in my heart. I dance in the rain and skip in the brisk air. I will cherish the moments and love the life I have now. I will  make each day count and be grateful in all things. I will be still and quiet in the peaceful night and be full of joy at the rising of the sun.

                      I will stop and smell the flowers. . . . Along the path I journey on.

Worthy

Just recently I've been looking at my life with amazement. In awe of the blessings God has bestowed Before me. Almost feeling guilty and undeserving. And then this morning I read in my devotional;

This is a time of abundance in your life. Your cup runneth over with blessings. After plodding uphill for many weeks, you are now traipsing through lush meadows drenched in warm sunshine. I want you to enjoy to the full this time of ease and refreshment. I delight in providing it for you.

Sometimes my children hesitate to receive my good gifts with open hands. Feeling a false guilt Creep in, telling them they don't deserve to be richly blessed.. This is none sense thinking. Because no one deserves anything from me. My kingdom is not about earning and deserving.; it is about believing and receiving. - 

... So in conclusion. I am worthy not because I deserve it it. But I come with a grateful heart and open arms, basking in his rich blessings. I am of worth because God says so. I am a child of God.

Seasons change

The cool brisk air today was revitalizing! Cold  weather makes me feel alive. I am reminded that seasons change, making life  interesting. I can choose to mourn the past, have great regrets OR   just look back with great appreciation.  I am excited for what is just around the bend. New life is just waiting to be discovered. 

Blooming in my head :)

Routines are over rated. We need them to keep some type of order, BUT they can create stagnation and kill creativity,  putting us  in a rut.   I strive to live creatively. Letting everyday be different and new. I want to be in Awe everyday and continually allow fresh ideas to bloom in my head.

Stepping out, I realize ... There is a whole new world outside of normal :)

A life she imagined

If you are not living the life you imagined. . . . Start now :)

                        

I Am Me

My life feels good now. I am fulfilled. I am not sad or lonely. I am free and happy. I am able to be me and people like me. I have gifts and talents, I use them everyday. I am kind and caring and I am loved. I am strong, I have dreams and I follow my heart. My life does not hurt anymore and the pain is behind me. I can laugh now and feel joy in my heart. 

                                      I am free.   I am happy.   I am me :)

First Friday

A perfect evening. After a somewhat stressful two weeks, my friend and I rented a space at "First Friday," to sell our treasures. The night air was crisp and breezy. As the lights shined brightly upon our items, a steady flow of people admired and purchased. Music played in the distance Creating an ambiance to sooth a soul. We had so much fun. I was in . . . my element.

This is my life,      I am living it with passion and purpose.      All is well.

Plan to be surprised

I love this movie. Its light hearted and romantic. Makes me laugh, makes me cry and makes me happy.                    

 Something is happening to Dan. It's confusing. It's awkward. Its family.

                                   Love the quote at the end :

         Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised.

Speak life

Raise your thoughts a little higher,

Use your words to inspire,

Joy will fall like rain,

When you speak life with the things you say.

Lift your head a little higher,

Spread the love like fire,

Hope will fall like rain,

When you speak life with the words you say.

So speak Life, speak Life.

To the deadest darkest night.

Speak life, speak Life.

When the sun won't shine and you don't know why.

Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted;

Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope,

You speak love, you speak...Speak life. Speak life.

 -Toby Mac lyrics 

Delivered

Outside of the box

For so long I had I envisioned my life so different then the one I was living in. Dreaming of creating a life that was extraordinary. One that was not average. A life outside of the box. As God continues to lead me through this journey, new visions come flooding down all around me. I am creating a life of purpose. A life with meaning. A life that feels good.

Finding my Rhythm

Life has its own rhythm. Weather you choose to live  a stressful chaotic life or a peaceful serene life, the music goes on. I am at peace with the rhythm I have chosen for my life. My heart and mind dance with grace and gratitude, to the strum that is music to my soul.

Thankful

Just thankful for today. Today I spent the day with Nhi.  A foreign exchange student from Vietnam. We sat at Starbucks and talked bit. Met up with some friends of mine, had lunch, shopped, got massages in a massage chair, went back to my apt to meet my Bella Boo and ended the day at a barBQ I was invited to. She had such a grateful thankful heart it was refreshing. It reminded me to be present everyday and to be thankful in all things.

Words Of Wisdom

Beyond the clouds

Climbing out is no easy task

As soon as I get past the clouds, I find there is more sky and more clouds

Though the process is grueling at times, I have to keep my focus and know there is life beyond the clouds. I must keep climbing.

Wish. Hope. Dream

I  WISH  - I could speed up the restoration of my soul. 

And get on with my life. But I must wait patiently.

I   HOPE - to still be the sweet person I once was.

To let go of the sadness. And come back even stronger.

I   DREAM - of a life I have not yet lived. 

A peaceful life full of joy, love and laughter :)

My Art Therapy

This was a blast! The class was packed. We were each given a palette of paint, three brushes and a blank canvas. The instructor was somewhat witty as he gave instructions, But we were funnier as we made our own comments. The music added to the fun as we all sang the lyrics very loudly while painting. Most were drinking wine, we drank our Jamba Juice smoothy.I had the best time. Very relaxing and therapeutic.

Waiting

Nobody likes to wait. In a world where everything is convenient, instant and express, waiting is unacceptable. But sometimes taking things slow is a good thing. I think God can bring you to a point of waiting to refocus you, to speak to your heart. Though I feel I am in this line of waiting, and its uncomfortable, I know it is for my good. God has a plan for my life and he knows my heart and soul have to be strong and healthy. He is restoring me. I trust him. So I will plant my feet down firmly and wait....

Sunday morning breakfast

Part of new life changes is making healthier choices. I am trying to put good into my body as I put good into my soul. Trying to stay away from the processed food. (though chips are still a weakness)I am enjoying more veggies and fruits and finding healthy recipes on Pinterest. Just had to share my ..sunday morning breakfast...Yogurt, granola and fresh strawberries. Yum :)

Spinning

Goodness Gracious, I feel as though my world has been spinning the last couple of weeks. Busy, emotional, draining, exhausting. I do feel as though it is leading somewhere and all this hoop-la will calm down. Peace will settle and new life will lead to happiness. Just gotta get through it.

Peacefully Forward

This was an exhausting painful week. I can't believe I made it through. Though I know I made the right decision, it just feels bad to hurt another Human being. I wish only good for him as he moves forward with his life. He is in my prayers. 

I too move peacefully forward.

Thursday

Thursday is the day. The dark cloud is looming over my head. The past seven months has lead up to this day. Uncertain of what lies ahead, only that God's word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. He has lead me this far and I must trust him to guide me through the darkness into the light. Feeling a little sad. I must not worry or be anxious. Leaving all in Gods hands.

Send up a prayer ..... on Thursday.

Beauty

Leave a trail of beauty wherever you go. In the form of a kind word or deed.