Have to move past this

Just need to write. So many feelings. Have to get this out and be done with it.

My heart can't help whom it loves. I did love him. I miss him sometimes too. The good parts. This morning it was cold. Memories of the cold days flooded in. Beautiful snow in the early years. jumping in our clothes and running outside to take in the winter air. Bella boo so excited because we were. The excitement we both had. Feeling good together. Saturday morning breakfast, flea markets, walks in the park, snuggle buggling after a day out. Every once in a blue moon he'd bring me flowers. It made me so happy. 

But when I look back those good memories did not define our marriage. Struggle heart ache, disappointment, deep sadness,feelings of worthlessness, his anger, his rage, his hate, my misery. I realize now that I learned to live in constant state of panic never knowing what the day would hold. What would set him off that day. The crazy chaos, the yelling, the dis function, the control, my anxiety, the adrenaline helping me get through each day.

This was my reality. Only existing to get through the day.

Recently he finally took responsibility for all these bad things he did. Peace filled my soul as I heard him in detail describe the things he did to me. And he felt bad. It was healing to hear that he acknowledged it. He not only apologized but had remorse. Genuine regret for what he had done. To Me. Showing me he remembers, realizes how horrible it was for me. I didn't deserve it... I was good to him, I forgave him, I showed mercy, I tryed to help him, help us. I showed Gods love

I persevered thru it all. I loved him.

He told me many many many times he was sorry, he would change. He loved me. He would try.... For a while. Short spurts of happiness. But always ended up back at square one. Always saying ,he wants to live the peaceful life. but chaos and anger and discontentment are his friends.they follow him where ever he goes. I HAD to get off the "crazy train." Like a hamster running around in circles exerting so much energy and getting nowhere. I had to get off. So I just jumped . Into the darkness. The unknown. Knowing there would be pain as I hit the pavement running. Running for my life.

I don't hate him.  I care for him deeply.  I wish him the best. I pray he finds what he is looking for. It's just not me. This chapter is over and I don't wish to keep re-reading it. I need to move forward to write the next chapter. Please God, please. Bless him. And help me move past this.